Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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