Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
