I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
