I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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