How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
