why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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