I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
