He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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