my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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