Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
be right there i have to get my cape
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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