My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
