the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
