who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I party with great urgency now.
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