I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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