If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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