well I can't set my house on fire every night
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize