I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
