I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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