Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
