I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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