I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
