i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
