The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
