so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
