even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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