I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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