I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
