I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
