my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
