he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
