He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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