Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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