tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
