In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
