I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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