everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
