i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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