if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
