I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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