I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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