saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
