Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am available for nakedness
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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