it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize