why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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