Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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