My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
