Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
