Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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