i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
