she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Randomize
