I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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