im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
