This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
