I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
