Kiss
Puke
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
