Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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