Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
