I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
