Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize