If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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